I am struggling right now. With what you might ask? Fashion. Writing about it, I am just about managing, but wearing it? Buying it? It’s just not happening.
I kid you not when I say I bought no new outfit for Christmas – something I have done for as long as I can remember and strange as it may sound, really put a dampener on my Christmas. I’m seriously struggling with New Year as I write this and considering hiding in a bin bag until the whole thing is over, and I’ve lost some weight. I’ve said it, I am just too heavy right now.
I always umm and ahh over writing posts like this. I’m more than aware of the influence print and film media have over their viewers and blogging is no exception. I’ll come right out and say it, I am not over weight medically, or unhealthy. The bottom line? I just don’t fit into my clothes and it’s pi$*ing me off.
Let’s get the details out here first. I’m 5ft 6 inches and right now, butt naked on the bathroom scales first thing in the morning, I’m tipping 10 stone 2lbs. Again, please don’t think this is a judgemental post, I’m fully aware there are plenty of you reading who are happy at heavier weight than this – whatever works for you is what I say. I certainly don’t look at women walking around at a size 12, 14, 16 and think, look at the size of her. All women can look good, even at the curvier end of the spectrum, as long as you’re fit and healthy.
I’m not one of those women who stands in front of the mirror prodding myself and bemoaning a muffin top or making myself miserable… I just don’t wear stuff that makes me feel like that. In fact, I realised the other day that I haven’t worn a single pair of jeans for over 2 months which is quite something given that they are my usual hang-about-the-house-or-anywhere-else-for-that-matter clothes. My current pairs are too tight. Uncomfortably tight. Not just a muffin top, but uncomfortable to sit down in tight. And because I am convinced this is the wrong size for me to be and I will eventually sort it out, I have refused to buy some.
The only other place it bothers me? The changing room. This might all sound like ridiculous ranting because I’ve never heard anyone say this before, but half a stone makes a massive difference to me buying clothes. Let me explain. The Ted Baker NYE jumpsuit I posted for Friday Frock a while back? A size 2 was too small, just too small. A bit tight around the top of the thighs/groin/bum and the zip did up but was un-breathably tight at the waist. Size 3, baggy and too big. I have a real ‘thing’ about clothes fitting properly and hate seeing people in tops that gape or trousers straining across the front. But that’s the situation I’m in right now. I love shopping and I love clothes, trying new looks, experimenting and looking good, but I’m frozen between sizes and it’s making me really fed up.
Looking back, I’ve lost weight in the past, most notably during a stint on Weight Watchers mid way through uni, when I realised that I still had 3 years to go and couldn’t keep eating like a dirty student or I’d exit uni looking like a house. Back then, I went from 10st 4 (my heaviest ever) to 9st 3. And I felt great, even though I was a little obsessed with counting my points! I kept it off for a while then gradually crept up to hover around 9st 7, which for me, is my ‘happy weight’. I can eat pretty much what I want as long as I’m exercising and fit all my clothes. I’m a happy bunny. Before my wedding I lost weight again, stress-induced, falling from 9st 12 a few months after we got engaged (the heaviest I can be and still fit my clothes, just,) to about 9 stone on my wedding day.
I kept that off too, you see I used to have one of those metabolisms that makes people really jealous. Or so I hear people say, because in actual fact, I was just really active. I went to the gym 3-4 times a week but more than that, I was watching what I ate and I never. sat. down. Until then, my day job was something that meant I was always on my feet, walking between departments, even running sometimes. Come 2010 and I found myself changing jobs to one that meant I barely sat down and then, along came blogging. RMW was so busy, so quickly, that I spent every minute that I wasn’t at work (sat on my bum,) in front of the computer screen. You guessed it. Sat on my bum. And now I’ve been this weight, or thereabouts for the best part of 2 years.
If this all seems a bit over the top, although this is a lifestyle blog, Florence Finds is also a fashion blog. Achievable fashion, but fashion all the same. I love clothes and I want to wear them in a way that makes me feel good about myself instead of feeling miserable about it. There’s nothing wrong with that. I really dislike when women (and we all know someone like this) don’t live their lives because they fear putting on a pound or two, won’t have a glass of wine because of the calories or share a slice of cake at a coffee stop on a girlie day out. But I can’t keep using my dislike of that kind of behaviour to pretend ‘living my life’ is an excuse for feeling like this.
And why haven’t I done anything about it? Several reasons. Until Florence Finds and me spending more time on clothes, I really didn’t give it much thought, I don’t obsess over it. And 7 lbs? It’s such a small amount it’s hardly worth losing, right? I’ll just watch what I eat? Wrong. I love my food and I have a really thing about self denial… life is short, I think you should enjoy it while you can. In the moment, cake is always going to win out over feeling virtuous. But I’ve started to realise that the cake gives me 5 minutes satisfaction then when I can’t fit into the clothes I want, half an hour of frustration over why I haven’t done something about it.
So I’m going to. And to make me, I’m going to keep you all updated. January is about fresh starts, new beginnings, good intentions and I needed to get the party season out of the way first, but from here on in I’m going to be tackling my spare half stone.
I’m guessing there are more than a few of you reading who will be thinking the same thing, so if you would like to join in and get a bit of group motivation then please drop me a comment to keep me going and I will tell you how I go about it in regular posts throughout January.
Lots of goodbye spare pounds love,