Never go to sleep on an argument.

Almost 2 weeks ago now it was Pete and I’s 4th wedding anniversary. When we got married, we asked everyone along with the guest book to write their ‘Advice for a happy marriage’ on little cards and envelopes that we collected in a huge apothecary jar. It was our intention to open them on our first wedding anniversary but we forgot and each time I came across them, or remembered them, it was far enough away from another anniversary that we forgot again. This year I stumbled across them more recently and kept them out purposely so we wouldn’t forget again this year.

And so it was that 4 years later we sat on the bed after dinner and took turns to open them and read the advice. Predictably, there were silly ones and funny ones amongst the lovely advice. I was surprised that we could guess who wrote what, even though most were unsigned and whilst we read them out, laughed and pondered, happy memories came flooding back. Like our polaroid photo guest book it was amazing the way you are transported back to that single day.

Just talk to each other and listen to what they have to say, simple.

Find space in your togetherness.

You are two parts of a whole, cherish each day together like it is your last.

Pick your battles!

Love, care and laugh. Don’t be too serious, but listen seriously.

Forgive one another before being asked.

The most dispensed piece of advice was a recurring theme and several of our guests wrote the same sentence…

Never go to sleep on an argument.

I’ll be honest, I’ve never really bought into that particular piece of advice and there have definitely been occasions when we haven’t followed it. Maybe I’m feeling sentimental but recently it struck me that it’s representative of everything that should be good about a marriage. Forgiveness, rising above day to day trials and trivial gripes because what’s important is that you’re together. Loving someone and making sure they know it every day; that they can go asleep secure in that knowledge every night. Putting your relationship first. Β Facing problems and life together as a team.

Image Credit: Raw Photography

I know whenever we have gone to sleep on an argument, I’ve always woken feeling sheepish, the disagreement long forgotten. The reasons I had for feeling angry or exasperated always feel trivial and not worthy of the time spent back turned and without the other for comfort.

So I wondered did you do anything similar at your wedding? Have you ever been given advice for your marriage and like me, has your opinion changed as your relationship grows older? Have you got any advice to share here that you have learned from experience?


PS It’s been a while since I’ve written a personal post – but I’m hoping to write more in the coming months and hope you’ll all join in and add your thoughts in the comments.

Past personal posts…

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27 thoughts on “Never go to sleep on an argument.

  1. We’re doing the exact same thing on our guest book table (15 days…f**********). I always say that we should never sleep on an argument because that what my parents always said (and they’ve been married 40 years now). Rob on the other hand, will, because its his way of making a point.

    Four years…..wowzers. And your wedding is as classy now as it was then.

  2. I’ve been with my husband nearly 8 years, married for almost 3. We’re more in love than ever (soppy, bit true) having been through a heap of “life events” together – you know, the ones that really test you. The things I hold on to are:
    – neither of us are perfect, embrace it and don’t loose sight of the good stuff
    – keep talking & sharing, about life now, the future, dreams and wishes
    – be affectionate to each other at least once a day. Hold hands, kiss, snuggle
    Looking forward to reading everyone else’s words of wisdom.

  3. Great post! I really like the personal ones so looking forward to more. I keep wanting to ask (but it didn’t seem relevant under a post about say, safari or skin conditions!) where you got your amazing hair/headband in your wedding photos?

    • Sadly I know the answer….I think it was Andrew Prince or Price. They stock him at Browns Bride or he has his own shop at Greys antique market.

    • Hi Melanie! Becca is right, it’s Andrew Prince πŸ™‚

      It was outrageously expensive but he was fab at helping me choose the right thing and I hoped one day it would be worn again. Actually just this week a friend who has become engaged asked to borrow it and I’m thrilled πŸ™‚

      Although… It actually reverses… Turned 180 degrees it sits flat on the head like a headband and I’ve worn it like that and with ribbons threaded through for several weddings.

  4. Aw what a lovely thing to have to look back on. We never done anything like that but lots of guests left us word of advice in our guest book. The most important one to me is ‘remember over time you will both change (appearance, jobs/careers,likes/dislikes etc) but as long as you accept these changes and grow together you will be stronger and more in love as a couple.’ It is so true. In the 6 years that me and hubby have been together we have changed lots of things about our lives together but not how much we love each other.

  5. We did something similar at our wedding, although was more a Fill In The Gaps card and was designed to be a bit of fun more than anything. We roared with laughter when we read them back but like you, found some genuinely heartfelt and good advice amongst the jokes.

    Not going to sleep on an argument is something we also got told a lot and I wholeheartedly agree…we were also told never to forget the importance of forgiveness and acceptance. Advice I also truly believe and appreciate one year into married life.

    Happy belated anniversary – I think these are the first photos I’ve ever seen of your wedding; as chic as I had expected!

  6. We had a photobooth at our wedding, and there was a chalkboard for people to write messages on. One of my husband’s relatives wrote something sweet (and a bit cheesy) on it – and then ‘she told me what to write!’ in brackets underneath. Ha!

    One of the best bits of advice we try to stick by (and need to take more heed of, actually) is no phones/ipads etc in the bedroom and limited access to them when we’re at home with each other. It’s impossible to feel important or listened to if the other person is constantly looking at their phone.

  7. lovely post Rebecca, and poignant for me with our wedding in a few weeks! Even though we’ve been together over 10 years you still are always learning about each other and growing together, and always worth taking advice from those who’ve been married for years! There’s some lovely comments from others here too. thanks! xx

  8. We did the same thing at our wedding, and so many people gave us this same piece of advice in one form or another. (I did a post about it here in fact, complete with illustrations).

    I think the best bit of advice I’ve heard, and I wish I could remember where I heard it, is to treat your husband or wife as you would treat a good friend. It’s easy to push my husband the bottom of the pile, be grumpy and uncommunicative, change plans and not tell him, because I know at the end of the day he’s stuck with me however badly I treat him. But I would never act that way with a friend and expect them to put up with it, and I consider Fin to be my greatest friend of all, so every now and then I will mentally check in and ask myself if I’m treating him with the respect and affection he deserves.

  9. I love your personal posts, Rebecca! We didn’t do anything like that at our wedding, but one thing I’ve learnt in the 11 years I’ve been in this relationship is that you must learn to love yourself first as it will make you a better companion. Sometimes we entrust our partners with our own happiness – I feel this is a big mistake. Happiness has to come from within you; it makes you an even better person and someone who’s easy to love.
    Hope it makes sense… I find explaining these things so hard sometimes πŸ™‚ xx

    • Wise words, I agree, I have found that if I am not looking after myself then I am not able to look after another. Looking to another for love is not the answer, loving yourself first is so important then that is felt and people love to be around that. Relationships are simpler and more harmonious, there is no fight as I am not fighting myself.

  10. As another reader planning a wedding I am very grateful for this post. A guestbook is quite low on our priorities of things we ‘must’ get done for October, but I think this is a lovely idea so maybe I will move it up the list a little…
    I think your personal posts are always really interesting; it’s helpful to read someone else’s take on different aspects of life. I know before I start reading that your insights will be intelligent, helpful and balanced because that’s the sort of blog this is; one of the many reasons I read it (though the pretty stuff is really good too!) πŸ™‚

  11. This is an awesome post, love reading everyone’s advice.

    I agree with the advice to “pick your battles” most things aren’t important.
    I also think one thing to try to do is to recognise and use each others strengths, without me my husband would be permenantly lost (in a geographical sense!) and without him I would be living in a pre-Internet era!

  12. This morning i am sat here reading your blog and in a ponder, my partner and i had a stupid argument last night and a result i ignored him all night! I settled our son in bed for the night and took myself off to bed to read….we slept as far apart from each other as possible ;-(
    Should i have made more an effort to communicate before going to sleep? What would you you guys do? I feel sad this morning that we slept on an argument, we rarely row but when we do we are both very stubborn…I feel adamant this morning i will not make the first move to making friends.
    Am i being silly? what would you (Rebecca and all other ladies do?)

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